30 random things I have learned
Firstly, I have written ‘learned’ but in my heart I want to say learnt, but during the editing process for my memoir Dear You:A Letter to my Unborn Children, my manuscript, full of ‘learnts’ were all corrected to ‘learned’, which I gather is standard American English and that ‘learnt’ is rarely used outside of the UK, so I guess it’s just me clinging on to my Britishness. Anyway, if you know me well you know I love a list, so here’s my first Substack list.
Random things I have learned
That bitching about other people, running folk down, leaves me feeling poisoned and uncomfortable. If in conversation a spiteful criticism of someone else starts up, I try to slot this in, ‘They speak very highly of you.’ It usually lightens things up.
Sometimes it’s just nice to be nice. Say nice things to people; if you like a dress a person is wearing, tell them. Also, if their label is sticking up at the back of their neck, tell them and ask if they’d like you to tuck it back in.
Cannot make a decision big or small? I toss a coin. I ask for guidance first, yes that might sound a bit woo woo, I will be doing a post on the woo woo in my life but do ignore if it isn’t your bag, you can of course still toss a coin without asking for help with the outcome. I do best of three and if I’m not entirely happy with the result, I’ll often do a further three coin tosses, if the coin toss outcome is then even, I will do a further three. If it’s still not the outcome I want then it becomes clear that I already knew the decision I wanted all along. Nine is my maximum. I’m aware this is a bit mad but I’m a Libra for whom decision making can be fraught and it’s not something I do regularly.
Anyone prefacing a statement with the words ‘I’m not being racist but…’ is about to make a racist remark.
It’s a joy to receive a thank you card; sending one the same.
It’s even better to receive a book out of the blue, and again likewise to send one.
If you’re out and about and see an item that you just know would suit a dear friend in your life, buy it right away. Give it to them randomly, don’t wait for an occasion.
A few drops of essential oil on your hoover bag or filter makes such a difference. The room smells great and the task is more pleasant. I used to use lavender oil all the time but have recently taken to using a combo of patchouli and cedarwood, inspired by a Purdy and Figg counter spray
Avoid Ultra Processed Foods, processed is ok i.e. a tin of tomatoes, but try to get as much fresh food going on as you can.
Walk. If you can walk with a dog even better. Better still, do WalkActive as it’s great for posture, joints etc.
Problems? Write about them, write them out. This probably only suits people like me but try it.
So, a combo of the two above, I know my day will be better if I have written a few pages and walked for at least 20 minutes.
If a friend suggests doing something you really don’t want to do, you should be able to say, I just can’t be arsed, without any offence taken. If saying no to them causes a problem, then that’s a friend you can probably do without.
If you do feel the need to tell a white lie to avoid offence, be mindful of the ‘Thou protest too much’ scenario. When I get a LONG text explaining why someone cannot do something or other (especially when several reasons are detailed) I know that they either had a better offer or just didn't want to spend time in my company.
Under eye concealer helps improve the look of the dark circles under my eyes, which I swear appeared during Freshers’ Week a gazillion years ago and have never left me. It means I am constantly trying new ones, looking for some miracle product that makes them disappear; it’s my holy grail.
Curly messy hair might look effortless; it isn’t. The only good thing about it, is that it looks better if washed less frequently.
There is nothing like the greeting from a dog to make you feel your best self, to feel loved and important. Unconditional love available all day long.
Living in a place where there is no light pollution is joy. A black velvety sky on a clear starry night is literally heaven to behold.
Look for the good in people who piss you off; look hard enough and there will be something; great taste in earrings maybe, or good teeth, perhaps they’re a great parent, or they’re always punctual, or bake delicious cakes, or have nice handwriting… Yep it sounds cheesy but if you focus on the bad you’ll see more of the bad and why would you want to do that?*
If the body you’re in is feeling a bit too big it’s tempting to hide it under huge, voluminous, baggy clothes, try not to, it will make you look bigger. Conversely try not to wear clothes that are too tight either, again you will look bigger than you actually are. What we need to go for here is clothes that fit (somewhere on the body) and flatter. The basic ground rules of showing off what you like best about yourself; come on there is at least one thing you will concede to liking, and if it is just a slim wrist or ankle or neck then make the most of that; a knockout necklace, a fabulous bangle or a striking pair of sandals. Having said that, on those days when wearing a sack feels like your only comfortable solution, make sure something about it feels luxurious.
Floss your teeth. I find it easier with tape and an angled Tepe brush. It really does help the health of your teeth and gums.
Plant buying - try to avoid buying just one of a plant that has caught your eye, lots of random plants will be pretty, but look bitty. You need to choose your favourites and make that your theme, and if you can, buy a lot of them. Try to plant in groups of threes and fives. This is actually my dream, not my reality.
Don’t be lazy with small talk. Asking someone what they do for a living feels like you’re asking them how much they earn and do not ask anyone if they’ve got kids, they might be struggling there. A truly brilliant post on how not to ask boring questions from
is hereWhen confronted by someone who is angry, offensive, or just awkward, know that it’s all about what is going on with them, not about you.
Restrictive, punishing, faddy dieting never works long term.
Grief is not a competition and it has many forms. It’s individual and it’s not just restricted to an actual bereavement. It never goes away, it simply becomes a part of who you are.
Old furniture is best. It’s better quality, often cheaper and preferable for the planet. Yes, you will have to be patient trolling auctions, charity shops, car boots, Ebay etc and you may also need to radically upcycle it, but it is always worth it.
A good hairdresser who you like and trust is indispensable. I am fortunate to have been seeing the same lovely guy for years, there is no banal, tedious small talk, we have a good conversation and I leave with good hair. Hair is something we ‘wear’ every day why wouldn’t you want to look after it?
Make-up is my friend. I struggle to leave the building without a slick of mascara; my eyelashes have fair ends and are otherwise invisible, no one wants to look like an albino rabbit.
I don’t save clothes for best, obviously there are some exceptions, I’m not going to be gardening in a ball gown (I don’t actually own any ball gowns but you know what I mean). Clothes you love need to be on your body, not hanging lonely and ignored in the wardrobe waiting for an occasion.
*Exceptions to this rule… *exert from Dear You alert*
It’s the ‘drains and radiators’ thang with friendships. A little bit of advice here, children; those friends that suck the very lifeblood out of you bemoaning their lot, are to be avoided. This might sound harsh and it is much easier to say than to put into action but if you can, stick with the ‘radiators’, those who will encourage, support and energise you. These are the friends you will gladly support in the dark times as you will have sufficient energy to do so.
Thanks as ever for reading. I’d love to hear of any random things that you may have learned in the comments and a wee ❤️ if you liked it is always welcome. Thanks again.
